ESTRANGED: What to Do When Your Adult Child Wants Nothing To Do With You

Nothing can create more feelings of shame than to be rejected by your own child.

One parent described it this way, “It’s like she died, only worse — my adult daughter lives here in town, but she won’t have anything to do with me — and places all the blame for the estrangement on me.”

Even “nice kids” estrange themselves from their parents.  Even “good parents” who have invested time, love, and money in attempting to help their children succeed and be happy may find that, instead of the closeness they expected to enjoy with their adult children, they are excluded from their children’s lives.

When an adult child cuts you off, it can evoke powerful feelings of guilt, regret, confusion, anxiety, helplessness, and rage.

But more than anything, the shame associated with being rejected by an adult child causes many parents to suffer in silence and isolation, believing I must be a terrible person if my own child would reject me.

Estranged parents often struggle at the sight of other people enjoying a good relationship with their adult children and worry about What do I say when others ask me about my children or grandchildren? 

Estranged parents may withdraw socially and come to dread holidays and birthdays.  

Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author of When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along says, “We have also socialized [our children] to believe that they should prioritize their well-being, be assertive, and not let anything or anyone interfere with their happiness.
Sadly, we didn’t realize that we would one day be one of the items on the menu that interferes with their happiness.”

Although divorce and the negative influence of an ex-spouse is one of the most common reasons children estrange themselves from a parent, a difficult spouse that remains in the marriage can also alienate an adult child from the other parent.

Other common contributors to estrangement are temperamental mismatches between a parent and child, a difficult son-in-law or daughter-in-law, and the child’s need for autonomy.  Even some therapists contribute to an estrangement.

“We have also socialized [our children] to believe that they should prioritize their well-being, be assertive, and not let anything or anyone interfere with their happiness. Sadly, we didn’t realize that we would one day be one of the items on the menu that interferes with their happiness.”

Just as the causes of estrangement are complex, how to respond to this profoundly painful dilemma is not simple. Parents struggle with questions such as “Should I defend myself, explain myself, or just listen?  Should I apologize for past mistakes?  What’s the best way to make amends?  How do I respond to my estranged child’s hostility and contempt?  Requests for money?”

As Dr. Coleman points out, “You can’t be a parent and not make mistakes. This does not mean that your mistakes are the reason for your estrangement or that you deserve it.

But I have never seen a reconciliation happen without the parent at least being willing to look at their own part in why the adult child has created such a powerful form of distance between themselves and the parent.”

Your biggest enemy?  Guilt, according to Coleman.  Here’s why: 

• “It creates defensiveness in your communication which may cause your child to want to distance herself or himself from you

• It creates anger in you as a way to prove to yourself and others that you’re not a bad parent or person

• It creates depression and anxiety because of the self-criticism and self-hatred it can induce.”

If you are estranged from an adult child or if you are experiencing estrangement yourself, here’s how to begin the healing process:

1. Seek support.

Healing from the psychological challenge of estrangement involves dealing with feelings of profound vulnerability.  Shore up your psychological strength by seeking the support of those that understand estrangement and can help.  If close friends and relatives don’t have the skills to help you or simply aren’t able to provide the degree of emotional support you need, seek professional help or join an online support group such as www.dailystrength.org/groups.

2. Seek connection.

Invest in people and activities that can help you restore a sense of your identity as a person and meaning in your life. Some parents put their life on hold or hope that letting their child know how much they are suffering will bring the child back into their orbit.  Actually, the opposite is often true.  Going on with your life and doing well can relieve the estranged child from the guilt and worry that he or she may be experiencing. (Yes, estranged adult children are often in significant pain themselves.)  Doing well in your life lets your child know that you are resilient and creates your best chance of reconnecting at some point in the future.

3. Seek forgiveness.

Your child may not forgive you, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of forgiveness for your mistakes as a parent.  Put the focus on learning to forgive yourself as you make amends for your mistakes. Don’t expect the self-forgiveness process to go quickly or easily — it is actually preceded by processing hurt, anger and regret — but the resulting peace of mind will be worth it.  And forgiving yourself will also make it easier to forgive your adult child, whether or not you reconnect.