Love and Politics: How Successful Couples Manage Their Differences
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKZIYMMQXSU Are you one of those rare people who hasn’t had an argument with someone about politics? How about someone close to you? Like maybe your spouse or partner? When it comes to politics, there’s not much that my husband and I agree on. And we’re by no means the only ones. According to a…
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Self-Compassion is the New Self-Esteem: How to Not Be So Mean to Yourself.
This year I started asking my clients three questions at the end of every counseling session. (more…)
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Estranged From Your Adult Child? Try These New Evidence-Based Strategies
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQswdUg5fUU Do you have a close family member with whom you currently have no contact? (more…)
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Do This To Save Your Marriage- Part 2: Learn to Complain Well
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6biKxdO2PB0 When was the last time you had a disagreement, an argument, or a big fight with your spouse or partner? Was it the same ongoing disagreement you’ve had over and over? (more…)
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Do This to Save Your Marriage: How to Stay Calm and Speak Up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ulQAcOmuFE Wife (taking her seat): I think I’m done. Husband (looking confused): With what? Wife: The marriage. I think I’m done with the marriage… It’s not working. (more…)
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Blindsided by Estrangement: Can You Love Your Child Right Out of Your Life?
Blindsided by Estrangement: Can You Love Your Child Right Out Of Your Life? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biXYbxKwT6c Abuse? Neglect? It’s easy to understand why an adult child decides to have nothing to do with a parent who subjected them to either. Parental alienation from a messy divorce? When kids are forced to choose sides, it’s no surprise that…
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The Relationship Pulse Check: A Ridiculously Easy Way to Reconnect and Recharge
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQGpKW7c4xg The Relationship Pulse Check is more than a “date night” bandaid approach to connecting with your partner. Think of it as a way to safeguard your connection and supercharge what makes it special. (more…)
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Dead Certain You’re Unhappy, But Dead Set Against Divorce?
Miserable in your marriage? These days it’s easy to feel disappointed when a spouse doesn’t live up to our overload of expectations: best friend, workout buddy, hot sex partner, confidante, mentor, financial planner, and life coach all rolled into one. (more…)
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How to Have a Breakthrough Without Going Through a Breakdown
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nTYCcSAltA “Why do you keep going back if it’s making you feel worse?” my boyfriend asked. We were talking about one of the most unsettling experiences of my young adult life — don’t laugh — psychotherapy. (more…)
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Mom Guilt? How to Give Yourself– and Your Loved Ones– a Break.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1AC5yxVBbc “Good moms don’t have fun without their kids around.” You might be surprised at the woman who confessed this thought and when it crossed her mind. The thought intruded into the mind of Jessica Rohr, Ph.D., a professor at Baylor College of Medicine. It barged in while Rohr was celebrating her anniversary with her…
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Estranged: When Holidays Hurt
Whether it’s low contact or no contact, the holidays can be some of the hardest days of the year for parents estranged from a son or daughter. (more…)
Empathy 101 for A-Holes: A Love Story
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3R7Ntu0pUs “The reason I’m here is my wife is unhappy with me. I’m worried about her because I think she’s really depressed. It’s not like her to lie around all the time. She’s still taking good care of the kids, but just about everything else has tanked.” It wasn’t an unusual way for a…
Dr. Jan’s Memes: A Quick Jolt of Media Therapy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc4r1vieWEE Did you know that memes can deliver a quick jolt of media therapy? That’s why this month’s blog is a little different. I’m flipping the script that “Social media is damaging human interaction!” and sharing with you some of my most popular memes. I think of the memes I create and share regularly on social…
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The Upside of a Self-Absorbed Mother
Along with all the downsides, I consider myself fortunate to have grown up with a self-absorbed mother. (My father was, too, but that’s another story.) If you’ve ever seen a Tennessee Williams play, you’d recognize my mother right away. Whether it’s Blanche DuBois, Maggie the Cat, or Amanda Wingfield, my mother was a mashup of…
Crushing It in Your Career: When Being Smart Isn’t Enough
You’d think it would be enough to be really smart, talented, hard-working, and determined. But to land your dream job takes a specific ingredient that’s easy to overlook during the rigors of formal education for that diploma or certification. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU0LtXhwUnk One of my specialties is working with medical students with plenty of smarts and…
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Matching to a Medical Residency: When Being Smart Isn’t Enough
You’d think it would be enough to be really smart, talented, hard-working, and determined. (more…)
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How to Ask for Help When You’re a Perfectionist
I’m writing a book. There, I’ve said it. So almost five years into the process, I guess it’s actually going to happen. If my book coach is still speaking to me. (more…)
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Tired of Being Triggered? How to Not Lose It with the People You Love.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxYD3tbu4j4 Is there anyone who hasn’t been triggered by someone about something this year? A near or flat-out rift with someone in your orbit from an alien value system? (more…)
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The Argument Antidote
“There’s absolutely no hope for this relationship,” I thought to myself, with a sinking feeling. (more…)
Suicidal Thoughts? They’re Not a Good Predictor of Suicide
Thinking about suicide is not a very good predictor of a suicide attempt. Thinking about suicide isn’t even one of the eight big risk factors for a suicide attempt. (more…)
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The Problem with Relationships: We Crave Connection. That Seriously Freaks Us Out. Here’s How to Handle It.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4IfybxgqkzQ “We’re not close.” That was the elegantly simple way a distressed mother tearfully described her relationships with her grown children. (more…)
My Father, Money and Me
Several years ago, the church I attended tried something new. A member of the congregation, rather than the minister, would deliver the customary offertory message during the Sunday morning contemporary service. It’s the part of the worship service that involves the opening up of wallets, purses, and checkbooks — and nowadays maybe even an app…
When Mother’s Day Hurts
Whether it’s low contact or no contact, Mother’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for mothers estranged from a son or daughter. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the current epidemic of estrangement from an adult child, it’s this. The ordinarily reliable norms and guidelines we use to navigate any…
Boost Your Coping Skills with Both/And Thinking: The Pandemic and Beyond
Right after 9/11, my mentors, Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone wrote about their decision to make the three thousand mile drive from New York to their home in northern California. During their literally “from sea to shining sea” journey, they described how they saw everything from outpourings of unity, caring and generosity, to overt signs…
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It Starts with a Secret: Anatomy of a Breakup
It starts with a secret— a decision you make in the quiet recesses of your own mind. This decision will redefine your relationship and will undoubtedly affect your partner, but you keep it to yourself. (more…)
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The Easiest Way to Change Something About Yourself
Dilemmas are different from ordinary problems. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnVtioDqRgo Problems have solutions. Dilemmas are more about resolution than solution. (more…)
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THE DIVORCE DILEMMA: How Do I Know Whether To Stay Or Go?
While I was going through my messy divorce I was stunned to run across a book called “The Good Divorce.” Hello? Who does that? No matter how you cut it, divorce is not an easy solution. It’s not easy emotionally and the stakes are high financially and legally. In fact, divorce is the second most stressful…
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Three Ways To Immediately Connect With People And Stay Present Longer
The best way I can describe the emotional tone in the room was “contained and intense,” as I prepared to facilitate a group of caregivers for patients living with aplastic anemia and other bone marrow failure diseases. An hour earlier I had delivered an interactive presentation for patients and caregivers about how to manage their…
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Estranged From Your Adult Child: The Last Thing You Ever Expected
Holidays, birthdays and other family-oriented times of the year can be a time of heartache for parents whose adult children have cut them off — and the growing phenomenon is much more common than our idealized notions about family would have us believe. (more…)
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Cultivate Your “Inner Gourmet” with Mindful Eating
A diagnosis of diabetes can feel like a death sentence. I remember observing the faces of the participants in a diabetes education program, as the nutritionist described how to manage their blood glucose by controlling portions and by eating more nominally-processed foods and fewer sweets, sugary beverages and baked goods. Although the participants were well aware…
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Can’t Meditate? Try Mindfulness in Motion
I don’t remember anything about my very first yoga class, there at the downtown YMCA in Nashville — even though I had an excellent beginning yoga teacher — she’d even been Dolly Parton’s private yoga teacher. I don’t remember a thing about the class, except that there was a guided relaxation at the end and…
Three Hacks to Handle the Difficult Person in Your Life
I get to spend most of my time with clients coming up with “life hacks,” those simple and deliciously clever ways to deal with life’s frustrations and without a doubt, difficult people are at the top of the list. (more…)
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The Easiest Way to Make a Tough Decision
You might say I’m in the “change business.” Most people seek me out because they want to change something in their lives, usually some variation of: How can I get along better with myself? How can I get along better with other people? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rx18w7ppXhQ (more…)
How to Make Peace with Your Parents — And Just About Anybody Else
“It’s always something or your mother,” as Wynona Judd is fond of saying. I guess she should know. She and her mother Naomi Judd were one of the most successful duos in country music history, and the backstory of their complicated relationship has been well documented on reality TV. (more…)
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How Resilience Protects Your Heart – Inside and Out
https://youtu.be/ZQsL9hcSl6o “What’s your why?” I knew that question would be a great ice-breaker at the American Heart Association event I was hosting. The answers came quickly, and all of them were personal: names of relatives and friends who had survived — or not — from heart disease or stroke. Some answers struck even closer to…
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How Treating Your Spouse Like a Stranger Can Improve Your Relationship
“Go out on a date together,” marriage counselors encourage couples. A good idea in theory, right? (more…)
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How to Get Smarter and Happier by This Time Next Year
I’ve noticed the things that overwhelm us during the holidays are really no different from what stresses us out the rest of the year. They’re actually amped-up versions of two life dilemmas we wrestle with any time of year: “Person A, B, or C (or all of the above) is driving me crazy with their… …
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Holiday Stress? Write It Off.
The best part of showing up for the University of Louisville Depression Center Conference in November isn’t the continuing education credits. It may sound strange, but I was invigorated and inspired by the day-long program focused on the treatment of depression and other mood disorders — including approaches to help families deal with a suicide…
Lonely? You’re Not Alone
What could possibly be more hazardous to your health than obesity, drinking excessively or smoking up to fifteen cigarettes a day? Does it surprise you to know that it’s loneliness? (more…)
Relationship Repair: How to Rewind Love
“You can’t fast-forward heartbreak and you can’t rewind love– and that’s just one big bummer,” according to comedienne Chelsea Handler. (more…)
Shut Up and Meditate
It was an unexpected comment from an unlikely source. I was sitting there minding my own business at the Louisville Heart Ball when one of the healthcare executives at my table made an interesting comment. “It seems that most high-performing professionals attribute their success to some type of mindfulness practice.” I didn’t realize someone had…
How to Succeed in the Business of Medicine
As a baby boomer, mine is the last generation to-date to approach our careers, financial prospects and life in general with the assumption that we will do better than our parents. (more…)
Do This Before You Make Any New Year’s Resolutions
I stopped doing New Year’s resolutions a few years ago. So why am I back at it again? Because I do something else first. (more…)
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Learning From Our Worst Conversations
Some conversations just don’t go very well. You know the ones — you were completely blindsided by someone or totally lost it yourself. https://youtu.be/z8EYhiVsti8 Conversations are not what we think they are. On the surface it may look like we’re engaging in a simple “ask and tell” trading of information, but neurological and cognitive…
How to Stop Procrastinating, Get Stuff Done –And Get a Lot Happier
I could tell the moment I said it that I’d struck a chord. “Procrastination has almost nothing to do with a lack of willpower or poor time management. Procrastination is an emotional issue — it’s about short-term mood regulation.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEgaxEaKV0A (more…)
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How Your Strengths Can Hold You Back
You’d think most of the people I encounter show up blindsided by a serious personal or professional crisis — a divorce, death or health crisis, or the loss of a job, partnership, or long-term friendship. That’s actually not the case. More likely the person simply wakes up one day and says, “I can’t do this anymore.”…
How Givers Get Ahead — Way Ahead
I couldn’t help but be surprised when I heard Dr. Alex Gerrasimides mention that her husband, Louisville Mayor Greg Fischer, encountered some blowback when he signed a resolution committing to a multi-year Compassionate Louisville campaign on November 11, 2011. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgNE8XAXSMc (more…)
CONVERSATIONAL INTELLIGENCE: When To Break the Rules to Make Better Connections
I admit it. I’ve never been very good at following the rules… especially when the rules don’t make sense or aren’t producing results. (more…)
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Look Back in Order to Look Forward
Although I’m certainly not new to Louisville, I will remember 2016 as the year it occurred to me “I feel like I really belong here.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akOCKRsMcao (more…)
BUILDING RESILIENCE: How to Get a Grip, Get Back Up and Go On
I recently had my first appointment with my new primary care physician. As she scanned the medical history of my parents, she paused when she got to the cause of death. “So… your father was … murdered?” (more…)
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How to Deal With a Difficult Person — Without Becoming Part of the Problem
One of my extended family members died recently. When people offered their condolences, without hesitation I found myself replying, “It’s the kind of death that is a blessing.” (more…)
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Are Women Really Better at Relationships?
It was with equal amounts of anticipation and dread that I read the R. Chase article “What Men Want.” I laughed out loud when I read the following exchange between the author and a male friend: “I once had a conversation with a friend of mine about women. We were talking about a girl that,…
Change a Word, Change Your Brain
People naturally talk to themselves. Whether it’s the out-loud self-talk of young children as they learn to master a new task or our grownup unspoken private talk, it seems we have an almost continuous internal conversation with ourselves. (more…)
How to Be in a Relationship — Without Losing Yourself
Having love in our lives is important to most of us. Numerous studies indicate that intimate relationships are the single most important source of life satisfaction. (more…)
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How to Perform Under Pressure
Do you believe that you perform better under pressure? Do you do your best creative thinking under a severe pressure deadline? Do you worry about a child or colleague that chokes under pressure? (more…)
HOOKUP NATION: Why Has Hooking Up Replaced Dating?
Whether you’re concerned about the young men and women in your life, reflecting on your own experiences, or contemplating the future of love and sex in general, you can’t help but wonder what’s driving the widespread cultural shift to hooking up versus dating. Why do young women engage in behaviors that often appear to be…
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What Happens When A Husband Shares Power?
The period drama Mad Men highlighted the American cultural revolution during the 1960s, when it was a man’s world at home and when sexual banter at the office wasn’t yet harassment. Not long after the final episode ended in the time period 1970, an unknown researcher was beginning another “relationship” revolution. (more…)
HOOKING UP IS THE NEW DATING: Here’s What You Need to Know About College Hookup Culture
There’s been over a decade of solid research on “hooking up” — uncommitted sexual encounters that involve anything from kissing and touching to oral sex to penetrative sex— among college students. There’s a lot we know… and a lot we have to learn. (more…)
THE OTHER TALK: How to Start Your Least Favorite Conversation
There are a million reasons to avoid or put off having the Other Talk, but you and I already know the primary reason: Whether you’re doing the asking or the telling, it’s hard to talk about how we want the end of our lives to be. (more…)
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ESTRANGED: What to Do When Your Adult Child Wants Nothing To Do With You
Nothing can create more feelings of shame than to be rejected by your own child. One parent described it this way, “It’s like she died, only worse — my adult daughter lives here in town, but she won’t have anything to do with me — and places all the blame for the estrangement on me.” (more…)
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Three Ways to Boost Your Resilience
I’m the only person I know who actually uses and shares on a daily basis the information I explored in my doctoral thesis — how to cultivate resilience, that resourceful, persevering ability to cope effectively with daily stresses and successfully adapt to loss, adversity, conflict and other struggles of life. (more…)
PODCAST: The Calming Breath Part 1
The Calming Breath is a simple, but powerful way to release tension and refocus your mind. Use this brief guided experience of The Calming Breath Part 1 to relax, refresh and refocus, both mentally and physically. When you’re comfortable with The Calming Breath Part 1, you may want to try The Calming Breath Part 2.…
PODCAST: The Calming Breath Part 2
The Calming Breath has a profound effect on your physiology. It is a very effective anti-anxiety technique and an excellent preparation for meditation. Use this brief guided experience of The Calming Breath Part 2 to release stress and refocus your mind.
Five Surprising Things I’ve Learned About Men
When I asked my husband to review the list below, he asked, “Is that all? You’ve just learned five things about men?” and promptly referred me to Dave Barry’s The Complete Book of Guys. In the meantime, I’m standing by the few things I’ve learned about men, all of which I wish I had known…
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What Do Women Want?
When Jennifer Newton, editor of M.D. Update, recently asked me to weigh in on this perennial question, I enjoyed tackling the #1 women’s issue I encounter and other “outside the box” approaches to women’s most common dilemmas. (more…)
Love Sick: An Unhappy Marriage Can Be Hazardous To Your Health
Does the quality of your romantic relationship affect your health? As it turns out, the answer is yes. Thanks to the work of marriage researchers, we now know that an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by 35 percent and even shorten your life by an average of four years! The flip…
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Mindfulness: How it helps with food, eating and body image problems
When I work with clients that overeat from stress, emotion or tension, I find mindfulness-based therapy to be a powerful approach to treating problems with food, eating and body image. What is mindfulness? How does it work? (more…)
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The Grief Journey: Healing Rituals For The Holidays
Grieving the death of someone important to you is one of life’s most difficult transitions. And one of the most difficult periods of that transition is the first holiday season when someone you love isn’t there. It includes a grieving of the here-and-now absence of that person, as well as grieving for future losses. (more…)
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Stressed Out? Walk Around In The Woods
When my husband suggested we do a Tauck Tour called “John Muir’s California” – which started and ended in San Francisco, with Muir Woods, Sequoia and Yosemite National Parks in between – I was a little disappointed. I was thinking Italy, actually. (more…)
Five Good Things About Aging
When I was in graduate school, one of my most memorable experiences was with a woman whose name or face I don’t remember. She was a guest speaker from one of the eldercare organizations in town. She gave each of us the following exercise: ‘Write down the five things that you most value in your…
Top Five Regrets of the Dying
Bronnie Ware’s book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing is a memoir of her work in palliative care with patients who had gone home to die. “I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives,” she says. “People grow a lot…
Surprising Foods That Help Keep Weight Off As You Age
What’s the best way to keep weight off as you age? The newest research suggests that the conventional weight loss wisdom — to eat everything in moderation, eat fewer calories and avoid fatty food — isn’t the best approach to keeping weight off over the years. In the most thorough and long-term study about age-related weight…
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Gratitude Makes You Happier and Healthier
Studies show that the regular practice of gratitude can increase not just your well-being and happiness, but also improve your physical health and your relationships. I was in the audience as David Novak, then-President and CEO of Yum! Brands, explained to Business First publisher Tom Monahan how a boy who lived in 32 trailer parks…
Mindful Eating Helps Frequent Restaurant-Goers Prevent Weight Gain
Training in Mindful Eating can help frequent restaurant-goers prevent weight gain, according to a recent study of 35 healthy women aged 40-59 who dined out an average of six times a week. Although the intervention was aimed solely at weight maintenance and not weight gain, participants in the study lost an average of nearly four…
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What If Being in the Present Moment Is the Worst Possible Place to Be?
Lily Tomlin was in Louisville recently and I got to enjoy firsthand an evening of her sharp insights and witty observations about the human condition. Pacing back and forth on the stage, recounting the myriad things she worries about, she suddenly said, “Have you heard of being in ‘the now?’ Well, what if being in the…
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